I Lost my First Love

---When you allow self to go through periods where life schedules rule and ruin the desires of your heart, consequences can only be abrupt and eruptive as is the nature of all chaos. Clutter has a way of making what matters the most seem less important than the debris of confusion it creates---

This year has taught me yet another lesson in life, as we grow into new passions and find new interests, its essential that we cultivate the already existing ones otherwise it would be pointless to have created them to begin with if we are to lose touch with them at the first sign of new loves presenting themselves to us. Hear me out; I’m only trying to make sense of my own state of mind….

The point I am trying to make is that one should never let go of what they truly love and I only dish out this advice to you because I am hurt I have lost my first love. You see I am fickle, indifferent and unsure of self at times, I am a beautiful bottle of confusion. I am not like the kid who grew up knowing exactly who they are and what their purpose in life was. I, unlike that kid chose a path of self-discovery instead of finding myself and with every layer unearthed is a side to me I never thought would exist. It’s an amazing feeling, coming into your own, experiencing life as you once wished you would but it, just like all the good things in life does not come without a little side damage.

Yes I have evolved into a beautiful, intelligent concrete rose, a rose whose curiosity cannot be quenched and therefore continues to tread on a trail of knowledge. I have grown like a yellow rose, stunning; with petals so rich, thick and smooth that I have long forgotten the scratches and marks that saw me grow out of concrete. I have neglected the things that mattered most to me and because of that I have lost my first love. I have traded in the one person that saw me through hell and back for political insight, an inquisitive mind and all kinds of ‘mature acts’. I have turned my back on the one true love who’s words once soothed my lonely heart and wiped away my saddened tears and I have joined movements that force my heart to turn to stone and would curse me if I dared shed a tear. I have become someone else and I am too deep in that I cannot revert to simpler days when it was just me and my first love.

I have gone and gotten educated, tasted the bitter sweetness of intellectual conversing and I have found difficulty in untangling myself out of this maze of high pitched debates and college-y talks so much that I no longer recognize the one that I once truly loved. This person that has taken over and has become the new me has found new channels and avenues when it comes to the people, this person no longer engages with the people like she once did instead she has built a pedestal where she speaks for them and not with them, you tell me what the purpose of speaking on behalf of the people is when you are no longer on the ground listening to what they have to say and what their most pressing needs are.

Today I heard my first love speak, yesterday I almost listened and last week I could only reminisce as he persuaded me back to the love we once had. The thing is I can no longer be bothered, my circles are different now, we speak a whole other language and try I may but the passion is lost and I can’t seem to find it.

I miss this love of my life but somehow our connection is no longer as strong as it used to be, our signals are no longer in par and truth is he has also changed. I can’t find him…yes I am lost in a web of new loves but none match up to this love of mine. We once spoke in similar tones and finished one another’s sentences, we made memories in crowded clubs and sunny parks, we were once inseparable while he taught me everything that I now know.

And its funny how I thought my love was the one who’d started tripping  but I now realize that I am not who I used to be, our truce was to always be rebels but now I’m rebelling a little differently. I’m picking up my voice and I’ve left him somewhere lingering in the background, baited breath, anticipating my return. Whether I will ever return is an uncertainty and with this new found love for ‘things’ who’s to say our union will ever be the same again.   

Even so, I wish back the days when nothing or no one could ever mess with our bond. I have lost my first love and nothing will ever be the same again without their presence in my life. I have stopped listening altogether and even our old conversations don’t boil my blood anymore, I no longer replay them in moments of anger, of happiness, laughter, sadness or even insecurity because I have allowed my new passions to take over.

I Miss Hip Hop and I can only hope that one day we will re-ignite our love because not only did I once love her, I still do but like queen Assata once said; we are grown up now and its all so complicated when you dig someone.  

I Miss You Hip Hop. You are and will always be my first Love.

Until next post,

Africa Rising, Peace & Revolution....