---“A woman’s greatest strength is in her weakness” - Unknown---
Firstly let me get the disclaimers
out of the way, I have said this before and I will say it again, I write from
the heart, a place of honesty, one that is filled with real life experiences of
myself and everyone else that I come into contact with. Having said that, I
would just like to re-iterate that I have come from a very dark place in these
past months. I am finding my way back to the light now, hence I am able to sit
down and write, writing has always been therapeutic for me but this dark space
had tied me down to the point where I thought I would never write again.
I will not bore anyone with the
nitty-gritties of what this dark place was like, (at least not right now), I
will not bother sharing the details of how I got there in the first place, only
that it left me feeling unhappy, weary and mad depressed. For the longest time
I could not reach out to anyone because, well, some people really do get a kick
out of seeing one down in the dumps and secondly, I would like to believe that
I am really not one to go around disrupting people’s routines by piling my
problems onto them- because of this, I tend to be very selective of whom it is
I chose to share the intricate details of my life with.
Going on, it was during this period
of darkness that I reached out to a sister of mine that I met while at varsity
in Grahamstown about this depressive mode I had gotten accustomed to and in
true sister form, she did her best at cheering me up. She is always such a
bubbly character with an extremely positive outlook on life so I knew what I
was doing when I let her in on my downheartedness, I was looking for my ray of
light and she would be the one to shine it down on me.
As I had expected, she told me nice
things, all the things that someone who is in that state of mind deserves to
hear, she told me that all my rainy days would come to pass and that joy would
find its way back to me, that we all deserve our bit of challenges so that we
can appreciate the good that will inevitably come our way, that after revolt
must come peace. She said these and so many other nice things, as we were
ending the conversation, she also told me that the hardships we go through make
us wiser and stronger.
In response, I told her that I was
definitely looking forward to the being wiser part but not so much the being
stronger. Quite frankly, I have never really understood what people mean when
they tell others to “just be strong” during tough times. It is obviously not
meant in the literal sense and even then, I do not think it would help much in
healing anyone emotionally.
I do not want to be strong because
it has served me no real purpose thus far, you see our mothers and those that
came before them were praised for their strength, for being single mothers and
housewives who weathered the storms of raising their children alone. Our
mothers were commended for flourishing through dusty circumstances and because
of this so-called strength; we wear the burden of having to be strong as well.
Yes, these women who have been tumbling in troubles long before we knew what
pain was but they also carry emotional scars that are too ugly to bear, scars
that I wish to avoid by any means necessary.
Although I am the product of one of
the strongest women I know, I do not want to be strong. Being strong is not
only emotionally taxing but it is also exhausting. I want to be soft. As soft
as the cheeks of my nephew, as soft as cotton candy and pink marshmallows, soft
like an over-ripe summer peach, I want a mellow type of softness, the kind you
get from a Norah Jones record. Forget being strong, or hard, never mind about my street
credibility- being strong is for those who can live with the façade- me, I
cannot so I have decided I am going to be soft, I am going to be vulnerable and
gooey and sensitive and mellow and sweet, I am going to cry when I need to, I
will no longer hold back the tears all in the name of being strong, no. I will
be as soft as they come, don’t get me wrong, I will be no enabler, I will not
be feeble or weak, I will only allow myself to be the delicate flower that I
know I am.
I chose to be soft because that is
when I can be easily molded- by God and the Universe. When I am soft, I allow
the intention of the universe to move me with ease, when I allow myself to be soft,
I do not fight circumstances, instead I allow them to happen, accepting
everything is it comes, questioning nothing and choosing to be a part of my own
experiences as they occur.
So friends, no more being strong
for me, if your advice to me during future periods of turmoil is that I be
strong then please - no disrespect- but do spare me.
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