Lost in A space

---Still haunted by my own anxieties. Little girl frights as life jumps on me. When you have been forced to live, survival becomes the only way out. When life happens and leaves you the victim, immunity to places where trials pile in heaps should not be a choice but obligation. Living is the only victory---

This year I reached a milestone. Not in the traditional sense, but in my sense. This is the year that has gotten me one year closer to my crown birthday- that’s right I will be 23 next year on exactly the 23rd of June. While many of you may celebrate this thought and worse even, my mother may anticipate this day, well, it is freaking me the hell out!

No, don't get me wrong, I love growing, my maturity level has taken a brand new peak and the knowledge and wisdom that can only come with age bring with them an indescribable sense of pride. But to be blunt about my situation, I am getting old, that is the truth to the matter, a truth that has left me bittersweet with the turn of 22.

Look, twenty-two is not a bad age to be at, and personally it’s not a bad space to be in either. I am at a happy place; I have found peace in myself, in my shortcomings, my life and with everyone and everything else in my immediate surroundings. Even so, no amount of peace found can and will conceal the very fact that I am still getting older. I am two deep into my second decade and by the look of things, there’s no stopping here, I am about to get in deeper. Oh the joys!

I am a tremendously reflective person, I do this everyday if I can and on a much broader spectrum, I do it every single year. I reflect on my achievements from the past year and on what I hope and wish to achieve in the current year. Turning 22 for me was just as big a deal as when I turned twenty-one I guess....I expected a drastic change from self, from life and from the universe. None of them served me my anticipated bulk of change, if anything, the past two years at zoom have felt tortoise slow but they haven't really been.

I have done what I always do, what every one of you does I am sure. I have gone and found myself lost in a space, not space, but a space. Reflection is good, it’s great, it helps with maintaining the greater vision for your life, it helps with gauging ones progress with that vision, whether they have achieved their set goals or could they do with a little push or shove in the right direction. But reflection is also dangerous. Hold, before you start to wile out and end up tripping, this is only my observation; you may have your own, one that’s entirely different to mine.

For me, a self confessed reflection-a-holic, I spend most of my time lost somewhere in the avenues and lanes of reflection ville, not realizing what I end up compromising and putting at stake as far as my mental and emotional well-being are concerned. Yes, I understand the dynamics around The Power of Now, A New Earth, The Awakening, what every other meditation guru and yoga class instructor will let you in on....focus on the NOW.

· Be here. In the now

· Live in the present moment

· Be conscious of your environment, smell the flowers

· Listen to your thoughts, be at peace with them

· Block out the clutter, refuse the troubles of tomorrow and the regrets of yesterday

· and.....and....and

Trust me, I have heard it all, read it all and still continue to drown myself in it all. Its good advice, plain and simple...but if only the execution was just as plain or simple or both, unfortunately, it is anything but. Its now October, this means panic attack season for students like myself, the nagging thoughts of what is to be of you next year will not stop tugging away at the sleeves of your mind as you think up a gazillion and one possible options that stand before you. Should I carry on in the safe and secure clutches of the education system? Should I pull a brave face and join the workforce? Or should I pick up a gallon of courage and register a business...come on, we all know it’s impossible to escape these ringing questions, especially at this time in the year.

So these very thoughts are exactly what find me here, lost, once again in a space somewhere between consciousness and hopes of the future. This space plays away with my thoughts like they are twins, this is the only space I have come to know of, and quite frankly have become comfortable in. This is a space I passionately detest and want nothing to do with. It’s a space that gives room to worry, anxieties and fear of the unknown. It is a space no one should be looking ahead to finding themselves in, of course its inevitable at times, thoughts are thoughts and they tend to stray but in one of these many 'Now Moment' texts lies a truth that the mind is only that, it can be trained by practice and various meditation methods.

I will be the first to admit that yes meditation does me wonders, it calms away the apprehensive thoughts and feelings, not knowing what’s to be and what’s to become; but I still find myself freaking out internally, in spaces that I now consciously try to avoid but are so inviting in their trap. It’s almost effortless to fall back into the claws of a space that finds you wasting energy on worry.

So as I wait for my fate, or rather, for the universe to return back to me what I have put out to it, I become aware of this space, I still wonder in thought but I refuse to get lost in this space, I am awake to its familiarity and I stray as far away as possible. Yes it is a place that I will pass through from time to time, but I will no longer find myself lost and trapped in it, gasping for air while it’s oh so familiar inhabitants: fear, worry, anxiousness and apprehension pull away at my arm, inviting me to come and play with them.

So what if I am growing, the most important bit is that I am here, in the now, still mapping my way to success and greatness.

Until next post,

Africa Rising, Peace & Revolution....